Strong, Independent ... Lonely: 6 Reasons Most Women Can't Get A Man To "Act Right" In Dating

Okay, so I'm in this room on Clubhouse and the topic is a hot button issue we've been talking about for hours and hours... why are women in the dating field who come with higher degrees and other successful accolades still single and struggling with men?

The opinions were definitely flying and it’s waaayyy too much to unpack in this one post but there was one concept that kept coming up over and over again… the fear of becoming a “starter wife”.

From the Urban Dictionary: STARTER WIFE - A man's first wife that (usually) marries out of love and helps him achieve wealth, power, etc., but is then promptly discarded upon reaching said goal for a younger more attractive woman.

Think… First Wives Club when Bette Midler’s character got left for Sarah Jessica Parker’s character after she helped her husband build up a successful business into the millions.

What woman wants that?

Look… no one or nothing can predict whether or not someone you’ve invested time, energy, and love with is gonna leave you at the drop of a dime. That’s just a fact of life.

But one thing I do know is that you’re not gonna help your cause any by doubling down and doing more of the same shit that already hasn’t been working for you.

In order for any woman, degreed or not, to have and maintain the type of relationship they’re really trying to have with a man they feel deserves it …

You’re gonna have to gain some Sensual Intelligence skills to couple with your “soft skills” to reawaken and express some of your feminine desires you tucked away in order to pursue success ventures and gain accolades.

There’s way too many facets of sensual intelligence to squeeze into this one post but as soon as you’re done here, you can pop on over to the free 3-part sensual intelligence video series I provided to explain it as a whole. The following list of a man’s 6 core pillars of love is a little piece I took from the series because I feel it best answers the burning question that resonated throughout the Clubhouse room…

What else do you bring to the table?

LOL! Triggered for a second, right? That’s exactly what happened in the room right before the crickets ensued.

Oddly enough, the same women who believed a man should value and appreciate a degree just because she has one had no answer for anything else they brought into a relationship that would be valuable enough for a man to date and eventually settle down with.

Like, in the grand scheme of things... WTF does a degree have to do with dating? Did you pick your major based on entering the dating market? I think not! That degree is a part of you, sis... but it's not all of you and it's not all you have to offer. Don't be afraid to show it.

Most of the women on that side of the table seemed to only think what the men wanted from them was homemaking skills, like cooking and cleaning… even though the men kept telling them different. No matter how it was framed… by both men and women, it didn’t land because they were hellbent on not being seen as a “weak, subservient homemaker” or doing "wifely" things for him before he makes her a wife.

That’s NOT what a high-quality man wants from you, especially if you're just in the dating phase… A high-quality man actually needs his woman to be strong and independent-minded, but it’s a different type of strength than what most women are willing to show on the forefront, so unfortunately, men move on before they can see your real value underneath the surface. I go deeper into all of this in the SIN Series. Here’s an excerpt from Video 2 of the free Sensual Intelligence video series to help you shake this mindset so you can see clearly when deciding what’s best for your romantic life.

A lot of women say they will follow a man who can lead properly… but what does that look like?

As a woman fostering a true sensually intelligent nature, you can create an oasis of enjoyment and happiness for you and your man if you can genuinely tap into your sensual feminine confidence… the same energy Destiny’s Child had in the song Cater 2 U.

In those lyrics, they were unapologetically vulnerable, and confident, and grateful, and appreciative, and encouraging to their man. After you learn about these six pillars, you could even go back through that song with a whole new outlook and pinpoint exactly which pillars they’re stimulating and activating.

If you ever belted out those lyrics or played that song on repeat cuz you were feelin' it so damn much, you know you have it in you to be comfortably vulnerable enough to embrace your feminine energy. Keep in mind, men might be used to going for women who hesitate to be “fully feminine” because that’s mostly what’s on offer... but when they run into one who doesn’t restrain her sensuality and femininity at all around him, she pretty much becomes irresistible in his eyes because she supercharges his masculinity.

I’m gonna take a moment and go over a man’s 6 core pillars and touch on how your feminine energy and sensual intelligence can complement each one to activate it.

1. Pillar of Ego - A man needs to feel that it’s safe to express his thoughts and desires around you (sexual and otherwise) and not be judged. Your confidence and self-actuality allows the comfortable vulnerability required to remain judgement-free and become the “currency” he can’t do without.

2. Pillar of Heroism - All men have an embedded hero instinct. A biological need to feel like the ultimate protector and provider that possesses extraordinary strength, resources, and/or influence. It’s the plot line of every single action movie out there. It’s what makes all men want to sink the game-winning basket or crush the company sales quotas to win that free cruise. They just want to be seen as the most useful, most helpful, smartest, or strongest above all other men in the environment, especially when it comes to the woman in their life.

3. Pillar of Validation - Genuine validation is NOT blind, gushy flattery and flowery words. Genuine validation is subtle and unforced. A lot of the messaging in genuine validation comes from non verbals and body language rather than the actual words you say, which we’ll cover more in the next video. It doesn’t have to be huge, grand gestures… but you have to have enough vulnerability and confidence to actually make them!

4. Pillar of Control - Activating the pillar of control is probably the most complicated one to explain because of preconceived notions and built-in judgements that surround the concept of “control”. The most common understanding of control is about micromanaging someone else’s life, their choices, and their actions in order to serve your own agenda. Doing things like calling or texting your partner a hundred times a day, all day long is a form of exerting control that screams insecurity. In the same way going completely cold on all communication and not saying anything at all is a form of exerting control that screams indifference. None of it is beneficial if you're building a relationship together.

5. Pillar of Appreciation - The pillar of appreciation is about showing your man you’re not only aware of him as a man… but that you genuinely enjoy and appreciate his masculinity. It’s about showing him that what he’s doing isn’t just valuable for him, it’s meaningful for you too. Appreciation goes a bit deeper than validation because along with acknowledgement, there’s heartfelt gratitude involved.

6. Pillar of Respect - Hands down, a man’s core prioritizes respect above anything else. He wants to be respected even more than he wants to be loved (especially romantically). Activating a man’s pillar of respect is essentially the “apex” of the previous 5 pillars being activated in harmony. Validation, appreciation, control… they’re all components that help a man get an idea of how respected he is. The desire to be respected by everyone is rooted deep in the core of a man’s heart, but the type of pure, unadulterated respect he gets from his woman is the truest form of admiration he can’t get anywhere else.

You can’t manufacture genuine respect out of thin air. If you try and skip to the pillar of respect without first activating the previous five, that man is gonna read you like fake news and you’ll end up doing more harm than good. Trust me, no man wants your sympathetic empty flattery. It does NOT make him feel better or closer to you cuz, bottom line, he’s not gonna believe you.

If you’ve acted with sensual intelligence and made it a habit of nurturing the first five pillars, he’ll naturally feel your genuine admiration and the sincerity of your respect. Ya can’t fake it and ya can’t force it. Remember, with the pillar of control activated, your man is in a mentally and emotionally balanced space to be able to recognize and appreciate the genuine respect he’s receiving. If his internal environment is imbalanced because you skipped the earlier pillars, he’ll be incapable of seeing genuine respect because now he’s dealing with feelings of uncertainty or suspicion as to why you’re suddenly trying to flatter him. The only thing he’s focused on is getting back to his neutral balance and now you’re mad cuz he’s ignoring your “respect”. Make sense?

The steps to awaken a man’s core are simple but not easy, by any means. That’s why having sensual intelligence is so important. Because once you’re in the latter stages of activating the core pillars in your man, you’ll find there’s no reason to have those common, surface-level insecurities. You’ll both be operating on the same vibration of love, trust, and admiration and that’s ultimately where you want to get to, right?

Watch the full 3-part Sensual Intelligence video series now.

P.S. I learned all about these core pillars and the primal dance between men and women in a program called Love Commands. You can check it out here and go really deep into it. Look for my full review of this program as soon as I get my ass in gear to get it done but you should go check it out for yourself anyway.